New Year. New Me. New Us.

I have always written New Year's resolutions, but I really feel like not too many people hold true to them. We talk about eating healthier, exercising more, drinking less, finding ways to be less stressed, loving our kids more (even when they frustrate us), reaching out to those that we may have been holding grudges with, building stronger friendships, being kinder, softer, or a better spouse. Some of these things we will hold true to - some of them we won't. I've learned to make more realistic promises, and heard once to "Never promise more than you can deliver, but always over-achieve".

I feel that I've made changes within myself before the New Year arrived, which in turn, saved my future marriage, my family, and my friendships. I needed to change. Not only did everyone around me need it, I needed it. I didn't even like myself, how could I expect others to? I preach so much about others loving themselves, and doing what makes them happy, and yet, I wasn't practicing.

I'm promising, practicing, and never going to stop. People say that all the time too, and I have before.

It's hard to explain, and even harder to show, how deeply I feel changed and different, and how much I just want to pour love out onto those around me - because I've broken promises before. It brings tears to my eyes the struggle that's associated with this. I wish I could find a new word, but "promise" is the ultimate word.

I have this ... strong desire to be married. To finally seal all that I am and will be, and to be what I've always wished to be, and he's always asked me to be. Wishing doesn't achieve anything, changing does. Now I'm changed, and all can see, but, 'big picture' wise, we've had 3 really great weeks. Really changed, different, everything-we've-ever-wanted weeks.

Does 3 weeks justify marriage? Even if those 3 weeks are everything you've been waiting 16 months for ... is it a rash decision? Or does it become a "why wait" scenario? When does enough time go by that happiness is solidified and not rushed?

I just need patience, and contentment, rather than aching for more. I ache to finally be the wife he has always asked me to be. I ache for it. Now that I'm here, ready, and it's deep within, the ache is deep and constant.

I know the day will come, and it will come soon enough. I want him to feel the ache too - so we can both need and want to sign a paper that says forever. I think I'm rambling now...

I'm praying for patience... because I've never been a patient person. I've always been a "go-getter", "stake your claim" kinda-gal.

I'm praying to show contentment ... because I am content. I love my life - down to the two loads of laundry I folded this morning, and the kitchen I cleaned last night. I love every second that I spend in the presence of those that I love, and love me in return, and every moment I spend working hard for my family. I love my life... I just ache for that last step of contentment.

Titles are a funny thing .. and I never used to care about them. But I want to be a wife, and not just any wife, JTS' wife.

It's been a happy week. A really good, happy week. We get our girls tonight - and our house will be filled with noise, laughter, dentist appointments, theater nights, picture taking, sleeping in, making big meals, church nights, etc. It's the hustle and bustle of having a family that I miss the weeks they are with their mom.

Dear New Year - It's a new me, and a new us (for Joel and I, and our family) ... please don't let me ever forget the ache, the change, and the deepness of the love I feel and the desire to be soft and pour it out. For the rest of my life.

Change is good. Change is hard... but it's all worth it.

A long time coming...

I don't know how I went so long without blogging, without writing, without being free and open. I have had so much to boast about, so much to show the world about what love and happiness looks like, and how selfish I was to keep that all in over time.

How wrong of me to not scream from the roof-tops about my wonderful home, my beautiful family, the love of my life, my engagement, my I-finally-know-what-life-is-about moments, my time spent enjoying the intricacies of life, my "filler-days" where I struggled. How so very wrong of me.

I refuse to be silent anymore. I refuse to keep inside what should be on display for the world to see. I refuse to not show the ones who love me, how much I love them, by being proud and amazed by the wonder of their love.

I love all that is Joel Timothy Sodeman, and my three beautiful one-day step-daughters, Savannah, Sydney, and Somer. They fill each and every one of my days with laughter, love, and hope. They are the reason I can wake up with a smile, a purpose, a drive to be the best version of myself I can be.

Without them, I would feel lost and empty inside. I am very thankful for what I have.

I guess ... getting back into this whole writing thing, I can't spend time trying to play catch up, I'd be playing forever. I can say there have been SO many times of happiness that I can't even describe how much and often I would try and soak it all in. Life is beautiful.

Yesterday, I took off work early, went home, and the girls and I went sledding. I haven't done that since I was a kid! Oh the beauty of having kids, to be a kid again :) The wind was so cold, we warmed up in the car two different times, and by the end, I had one begging to go, me trying to not show I was freezing, and two more that were still laughing at playing. Eventually, we finally retreated back home to a late afternoon lunch of hot coco and homemade Mexican beef soup (go Joel! Amazing!), and laundry to get all of that wet, pre-mucky smelling, sledding clothes clean and ready to go for the next day of cold weather.

I had a mom approach me, recognize me from soccer games, and the few "Hi, there"s we've exchanged over her daughter being friends with my step-daughter. I think it's hard for some parents, in other families, who knew the original family, when the parents were still together, to accept the "new addition" to the picture. I've accepted this, connected where I can, and just smile and cheer for their kids the same as I do my own. Eventually though, they come around. They realize I'm not a step-monster; I can feel them observe me from afar, hear the loving words and encouragement I give to my daughters, and realize, I'm a strong parent doing the best I absolutely can. That moment though, when they finally approach me, say that "Next time you and I should plan to take the kids sledding together" it makes me feel like I am on top of the mountain. Each step towards overcoming the label of being a step-parent is one that I rejoice and celebrate on the inside. It seems odd to reward myself with a glass of wine or new shirt for being a good parent, and someone recognizing it. It's just what parents do, we love.

I had a moment of grace last night too. I was sewing up Joel's pants, as the patch that was put to make them look destroyed from AE, keeps coming off. My man's legs are too hulk man strong to keep those weak bindings of a manufacturer together. I sat there and realized how much he has done for me, loved me, pursued me, shown me grace and forgiveness over the period of our relationship, through thick and thin, he has been my rock. I thought so much about where I have faltered, stumbled, and failed. I felt, without him even sitting next to me, rejuvenated with strength and determination to love him the way he's always deserved to be loved, but I have fallen short of. It was just a weight lifted off my shoulders, blinders removed from my eyes, and it felt good to know that I can see how to be selfless again. It feels good to dream up ways to show him how great he really is, how wonderful of a father he is, a fiancee, a best friend, a son, etc. I struggle to find the words, because actions are what counts. Lets just say, JTS is in for some serious amounts of loving from this point forward. Starting with tonight :)

The girls and I this morning had SUCH a great time getting ready for work/school! There have been so many times, more so recently than there should have been, where I have rushed, caused them to feel rushed, and then we all end up stressed and on edge. Put 4 females on edge in one home, then one car, and it's a potential explosion waiting to happen. I curled little Somer's hair, she felt gorgeous just the way little girls should. We dreamed about her upcoming birthday, a girl's night, Christmas time, and she told me all about school, webkins, staying the night at her friends last weekend, and regardless of some of the stories being repeated, I love being excited for her. It makes her smile that beautiful smile, and warms my heart beyond explanation. Savannah and Sydney both took turns coming in, cramming into the same bathroom to get ready together, when there are a total of 3 full bathrooms, but it's a good, beautiful thing to cram together and laugh, smile, talk, and tell each of them how gorgeous they look that day. We talk about school, boys, upcoming braces... and then one of them requests that they have their hair done special the next day. It's worth having 45 minutes less sleep in order to have these unstressed, special, can't-seem-to-soak-it-all-in, overflowing love cup moments.

I'm going to make a commitment to write more, to post more, to boast, brag, be open and raw, to see the good in each and every moment, for, it's there, we just have to take the time to see it and not fall into blindness.

A New Beginning

I have spent lots of time on here... talking about all of this change, and amazement, when I have dreamed to inspire, I've questioned life and love - and begged God to grant me the courage.

But the courage existed all within. And from the one thing I have left from all of my talk of change, amazement, inspiration, life and love - the center of it - my wonderfully giving boyfriend.

(I am often memorized by how attracted I am to him... he is the most beautiful human being I have ever encountered; inside and out)

I have mentioned him here and put up one photo of him here... but that doesn't do justice to the man who I plan to marry.

The man who gives me the courage to write... after all, I still remember the day in 2008 when he told me I should write in a blog. To put up all my photos and to just write.

(he looks at me like I am the greatest thing in the world... looking back at this love gives me the strength and inspiration to be a better person... for us)

I am changing, because I'm allowing myself to be me and accept love... one of my resolutions was to learn to accept love. To feel all of its security, the big arms that is has to hold all of my weakness, and fills me with strength. I am changing into the girl I once was, when I fought for that love, because I knew it existed... somewhere in the last 8 months of my life, I lost this vision. I promised that I had gained it back, but I hadn't. I used my words to convince others and myself that I had made this miraculous change in seconds - and that those words were enough.

Love is more than words. Love is more than a ring, or a gift, or a clean house with my baby's favorite corned beef sandwich to boot. It is actions, a sequence of dependability, where the rest of the world can look at everything you own; your blog, your facebook, your car, your clothing, your eyes... and see all the love that you claim to hold for you significant other. It should be transparent, there is no guessing game in love. Love is pure, and any muddling of it, is deviating from the basis that love derives from.

(with a grin like that... how could anyone resist?!)

I have deviated. I have ruin and tarnished love's great and giving name. But, just as I have learned, from the one true and pure example that has survived and suffered through 7 months of my learning about love, love is unconditional. The name can not be permanently tarnished - it has too much of a reputation of grace and forgiveness to call me a lost-cause and move on.

I have found my inspiration - to write. And it doesn't come from running... I am inspired to run by the same thing that I am inspired to write from. My one true and perfect love - Joel.

(This is what I get to come home to... a dream evening at home. Wine and my man :))

I have learned an immense amount from him; about love and life, and I am amazed by his security through difficult times that I have caused. I have brought pain and suffering into a life that could be so easy if I would just allow it. We are all in charge of our attitudes, our daily choices, each and every time I have hit "publish post" and haven't had any mention of him, I was making a choice to lie. To deny the biggest part of my life - the part that inspires me to be the best person I can possibly be.

"...I can't believe how in love with you I am Julie Lynn..."
"... If only your dad could see the person you are and have become..."
"... Trust yourself. I trust you. 'Self-trust is the first step to success' - Emerson..."
"... This is how I imagined it is how it always could be..."

He is constantly filling me with words of encouragement, love and inspiration.

He inspires me to be a better person - stronger, selfless, and loving. Simply by leading by example. He is the dream boyfriend, and dream husband soon enough :)

(look at the grin on my face here... he makes my heart flutter just at the thought of receiving one of those illustrious kisses)

Through this, I have changed. And change is an on-going process, it is constant, and a mediocre change shouldn't be accepted. This doesn't mean I am striving to be perfect, I am not striving for the unattainable, that is leading myself towards failure. I am changing to become the person who is in love, doesn't deny the greatest love that I have ever encountered, and is dependable, a source of security, and an example of love's strength to others around me.

Growing all the same...

There is this idea of growth - that every experience we have, we should take it, study it, learn from it, and move on. That each and every mistake has a purpose, and we grow into the person that we are, and will continue to become. The best part is - we have no cognizant realization that this is occurring... we just keep on living, and hopefully, we live and we learn.

As I visited my mother this weekend, and as I normally do, reflecting on life and all of the struggles that it encompasses while driving there, I've come to realize that -- although her and I have had many different experiences, I've grown to be a whole lot like my mother.

1. I wake up wanting a cup of coffee.

No, I'm not like my mother in the sense that I can't function without coffee. I remember being in high school and wanting $10 to go to the movies and having to wake up, brew a cup o' joe, and deliver it, wait 5-10 minutes, then ask. That was the best way to get what you wanted (back then). Also, I am not crabby if I don't get it either - it's just, that in some way, it represents adulthood to me. The whole waking-up-early-showing-to-look-nice-because-I-have-a-real-job thing. I do love it, 85% of the time, but that other 15% coffee solves :)

2. I sleep heavy and don't remember anything during that period of time.

We would come home from a party, at the wee hours of the morning, and wake my mom up. She wouldn't remember, and then accuse us of staying out later than we said. So we tried different things to test - like making her read the numbers on my hand before I told her I was home (to ensure she would remember), and yet, she usually didn't. Loved her for it though. While I was home, she woke me up to tell me her and Roger got home safe (funny how the tables have turned) and asked me to do breakfast before I left in the morning. I was leaving and Roger says "Wait, arn't we doing breakfast?" Mom told the story and we all had a good laugh.

3. No matter how "quickly" I try to get ready, it always takes 30-45 minutes.

Even if I'm putting on a baseball cap, and no time is spent on my hair, I still find a way to spend that remaining 15 extra minutes on my mascara or getting dressed. Without fail, it takes me way to long to get ready - and I'm proud of it. Princess? I think not - just well in tuned with how I want to look :)

4. I am a lover of simple things.

A phone conversation. A card. Someone making me coffee in the morning, warming me a bath, folding my laundry, or letting me sleep in. Walking all the way downstairs, in the wee hours of the morning, just because they missed me. Those little things in life, that really make life, what life is. It fills my love cup instantly, and rejuvenates me to want to do the same for others.

5. A restlessness.

I am restless in just about everything I do. I am always looking forward to something bigger, better, and a new, higher hurdle for me to strive to leap over. That is not to say that I am never satisfied, plenty of things in life are perfectly satisfiable, and I never have to search again for. Like love, or a profession, or a home. And yet, within my profession, my relationship with God, friends, myself; I constantly strive to be perfect. I realize how that is a bit sick and twisted, and yet, good natured all the same.



I love how life is showing me who I am growing to become. I love dreaming of who I will encounter next, what experience is on its way; destination: me.

Real and Raw

Life isn't always perfect - it's full of sadness and misfortunes, and sometimes, I feel like if I just keep thinking optimistically and writing optimistically, it will be as if life is perfect. It is just full of happy memories, joyfulness, and smiles. We wake up everyday having our love-cup full, and we just let other people over-fill it.

Yet, life is sad sometimes. It's real and raw, and hurts, burns, and stings. Some nights we go to bed crying, thinking it will all be better when we wake up the next day, but it isn't. Sometimes we fail to understand, to comprehend, to see through the pain, because the pain is so overwhelming we just can't write optimistically anymore.

I just can't write optimistically today.

It makes me feel like a failure, which I feel that way a lot. I always feel that I am failing - which is why I put 110% into everything I do. I think of all the little-things that make up everyone's day, and try to make those spectacular. I try to make the tiniest parts and events of life so monumental, that when the world crashes down, it won't hurt as bad. So that, no one that I love, every has to have a day, like today.

I'm not full of joy and smiles, I'm holding back tears with every breath I take, and it burns, hurts, and stings. My chest feels heavy, as if my heart is tired and achy. Almost as if it hurts to hold my head up.

And... I'm not a crier. I'm not a pessimist. I have always been able to see the "good" side of a bad situation. I make the sweetest lemonade out of the most sour lemons.

But - I keep trying to speak with optimism, to inspire my loved ones around me, that life is as full of joy as we dream it to be, and if I just focus on the little-things of life, I'll never have to feel the pain.

What happens when the pain and sadness of life has infiltrated our precious small and little things? There is no more figurative language to read through, to decipher, it's plain in black and white. Life often gives us ultimatums, where we have to chose one road or the other.

I have always picked the road less traveled. I've dreamed of a big life, full of small things, where they all add up to equal happiness. 24/7/365. Sometimes, the beautiful life we dream up, begins to unfold, and it isn't quite what we dreamed.

The world, it's pressures, the lack of time (or so we feel), change everything. It just changes everything. I suppose that's why we call it a dream though, because it's just that, sometime to exist in our subconscious world, where everything is perfect.

Maybe, today, is just a bad day. Maybe, today, I just woke up to my reality. Or, maybe, today, I just can't write optimistically.

When tomorrow comes, I'll be thankful for a new day, a new opportunity to write optimistically.

I write to inspire...

Yesterday is when I realized why two of the loves of my life are not disconnected or disjointed, but that they come together at the absolute perfect timing; it's almost as if the stars align, and in the single moment, I feel whole again.

Running and writing.

I write to inspire, myself and others around me. I write because it's my way of expressing my emotion, my hidden thoughts and dreams, my opinions, my frustration, my everything. I write to inspire others to do the same, to contemplate the everyday workings of life, rather than just accepting them at face value. Question everything, always

I run to relieve -stress, pain, cluttered mind, the cob-web feeling in my legs, my worries about self-image, my fears. I run to escape the world, for 30-40 minutes a day, so that I devote time to myself. I run for me - not for anyone else. It's one of the few things I do, just for me.

When the two come together, it's like when a photographer's photo is edited perfectly, the elements are set apart, the picture can speak a thousand words without a voice.

I run to clear my mind, and often times, when it's cleared, my questions of life and the choices I make are easier to work through, to understand. I am able to realize my faults and strengths, and the next steps I need to make in life in order to move in the direction that I find best suited for myself. It's when my emotions are set aside, my fears are suppressed, and my worries are non-existent, and I am able to see through all of my misunderstandings and emotion-driven choices. I come up with a plan to stay level headed, clear minded, and focus on the end result rather than the daily struggles.

When I can see the 'big picture' I can write - write about the questions I have about my life, and life in general, and resolve to be a better person because of it. I can write through my fears and daily struggles to inspire myself to be the person I want to be.

I long, and I hope, that I do that for others as well.

I know someone dear to me said once, "I know, you'll write a book someday - about teaching or about life. Either way, I'd read it"

Maybe I will, maybe I won't, we will see where life takes me. I'm not out to figure out life, but rather, to run and write my way through it.

:)

The hidden message

As friends, or lack-there-of, we often do participate in this ridiculous event we deem "catching up". This is under the notion that in a short period of time, you can sit with someone and catch them up to that exact moment in your life. Maybe I'm a little 'wordy', but I can't catch up in 30 minutes. What ends up happening is this superficial interaction where we start with a "Hi. How are you?" and the response is typically "Good." or "Fine." or "OK.", and returning with the same question.

In my student's papers, none of these words are allowed to be used. They are not actually describing anything. Good? Good?!? Like how a pumpkin pie can be good? Are you telling me your life is creamy and delectable? Nope, didn't think so.

And yet, I do this. I try and "catch-up" with friends and family in a short period of time. But the truth of the matter is, when we say "Good", not only are we not describing, for the most part, we are putting on this facade that everything in our life is perfect. And, well, maybe for you it is. For me, it isn't.

I am totally and utterly lying. What I'm not telling you is how much I miss you as a friend. How I feel like I've been a failure to you; probably because you are calling me, and I know that a phone works both ways. I have totally lost this part of myself, I used to have such great follow-through as a friend. I used to call, text, email - just to make someone's day. And now? I just lie - I tell people that I'm doing "Good".

This isn't to say that I dislike my life, or that it isn't what I am looking for. Life is full of choices - we make them everyday. We win some, we lose some. I've done both, and I love my life and all the beauty that it holds. I love soaking up every moment of every day, and I wish time wouldn't move as fast as it did.

But - here's the honest truth. I miss you and love you dearly. Please try and understand my difficult times, and my good times, and know that I am thinking about you more often than my phone calls/texts/emails would lead you to believe. This too shall pass, and I will once again be that person that you were able to depend on. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. Please remember the truth - I love you and miss you. I love you.