Twenty-Ten

Oh, blog... it's true, I've been avoiding you. Mostly because, well... I don't really want to reflect on last year, and since it's a new year, that's just the nature of the beast. It's what people do. We make lists of things that we want to "resolve" that we screwed up last year.

Most of the stuff that I "screwed up" last year is totally and completely "unresolvable".

So, I'll move on. I'll think about all the things I want to do in the next year, not in order to resolve the missed opportunities that I passed last year, but to dream big for the next year. Because that's what I do - I dream big. and deep.

1. I want to learn to accept love.
If you know me, fairly well, my actions show I know nothing about love. I do though, I know how to love more deeply and care about humans better than most people. I've just been selfish lately, and that characteristic of mine hasn't been able to shine.

More importantly, I don't ever feel "good enough" to be loved. I am never a "good enough" Christian (although I loath that term, I'll use it for lack-of-a-better-term), I am never a "good enough" girlfriend, I am never a "good enough" friend, sister, daughter, etc. Subconsciously, I chose to act in a way that reflects this, because no matter how many trips to the gym I make, or thoughtful gifts I give, or dinner plans to catch-up that I make, I never actually feel "good enough" inside, so why on earth would me subconscious act in a way any different than I feel?

This isn't something someone else can fix, nor is it anyone else's fault. I had a tough life at points, I didn't really feel loved a lot during important times of my childhood. It plays a role in this, but it isn't to blame. It's my deal for not getting over, and moving on. I am an adult, it's time to stop playing this child's game of "pity me" and have a little self-confidence.

2. I want to continue to dream big.
I have always dreamed "big" - read back in the last year and see that. I was this strong individual who knew all the right moves to make my dreams happen. Someone I love dearly told me, "you have ALWAYS risen to the top, what on earth are you worried about?! you know you will...". I doubt that about myself in the last 4 months of 2009. I need to realize my potential, and dream as big as I used to. That's the only way I will never look back on this life and feel regret. It's not about taking every opportunity, it's about stopping, thinking, and waiting for the right ones. It's about having faith that I will be provided for - if I dream "big", He will provide "big"

3. I want to go on trips. Often.
Be one of those people everyone else is jealous of, because I manage my money, and use it in a way that is living my life. I don't sit back and wait for something great to happen, I make it happen.

4. I want to remember to enjoy the little things of life.
I used to be amazing at this. I loved folding laundry, cooking dinner, taking walks, phone calls, special texts, reading a book by the fire...

I got caught up in life. I allowed my life to get busy, messy, and out of control. Time to remind myself of the little things that make everyday special - because it really is the little things, it's not the huge life changing moments. If it was huge moments, I'd be waiting forever to be excited - they don't come that often. It's the little everyday things that make my life what is it. Time to celebrate that.

5. I want to stop worrying...
...About people that don't worry about me. That isn't to say, that love is always a two-way street. I fully believe in loving people that don't always love back. After all - those are the people that need love the most.

I mean, really worrying about what other people think, who don't give a thought about me the time of day. I will say whatever, display whatever, and do whatever makes me and my family (this is all my loves, sisters, boyfriend, close friends, etc.) proud and happy. This is what matters in life, not everything else...

6. I want to just... be.
Be who I am, believe what I believe, because, believe it or not, just "being" is a pretty special thing.