A New Beginning

I have spent lots of time on here... talking about all of this change, and amazement, when I have dreamed to inspire, I've questioned life and love - and begged God to grant me the courage.

But the courage existed all within. And from the one thing I have left from all of my talk of change, amazement, inspiration, life and love - the center of it - my wonderfully giving boyfriend.

(I am often memorized by how attracted I am to him... he is the most beautiful human being I have ever encountered; inside and out)

I have mentioned him here and put up one photo of him here... but that doesn't do justice to the man who I plan to marry.

The man who gives me the courage to write... after all, I still remember the day in 2008 when he told me I should write in a blog. To put up all my photos and to just write.

(he looks at me like I am the greatest thing in the world... looking back at this love gives me the strength and inspiration to be a better person... for us)

I am changing, because I'm allowing myself to be me and accept love... one of my resolutions was to learn to accept love. To feel all of its security, the big arms that is has to hold all of my weakness, and fills me with strength. I am changing into the girl I once was, when I fought for that love, because I knew it existed... somewhere in the last 8 months of my life, I lost this vision. I promised that I had gained it back, but I hadn't. I used my words to convince others and myself that I had made this miraculous change in seconds - and that those words were enough.

Love is more than words. Love is more than a ring, or a gift, or a clean house with my baby's favorite corned beef sandwich to boot. It is actions, a sequence of dependability, where the rest of the world can look at everything you own; your blog, your facebook, your car, your clothing, your eyes... and see all the love that you claim to hold for you significant other. It should be transparent, there is no guessing game in love. Love is pure, and any muddling of it, is deviating from the basis that love derives from.

(with a grin like that... how could anyone resist?!)

I have deviated. I have ruin and tarnished love's great and giving name. But, just as I have learned, from the one true and pure example that has survived and suffered through 7 months of my learning about love, love is unconditional. The name can not be permanently tarnished - it has too much of a reputation of grace and forgiveness to call me a lost-cause and move on.

I have found my inspiration - to write. And it doesn't come from running... I am inspired to run by the same thing that I am inspired to write from. My one true and perfect love - Joel.

(This is what I get to come home to... a dream evening at home. Wine and my man :))

I have learned an immense amount from him; about love and life, and I am amazed by his security through difficult times that I have caused. I have brought pain and suffering into a life that could be so easy if I would just allow it. We are all in charge of our attitudes, our daily choices, each and every time I have hit "publish post" and haven't had any mention of him, I was making a choice to lie. To deny the biggest part of my life - the part that inspires me to be the best person I can possibly be.

"...I can't believe how in love with you I am Julie Lynn..."
"... If only your dad could see the person you are and have become..."
"... Trust yourself. I trust you. 'Self-trust is the first step to success' - Emerson..."
"... This is how I imagined it is how it always could be..."

He is constantly filling me with words of encouragement, love and inspiration.

He inspires me to be a better person - stronger, selfless, and loving. Simply by leading by example. He is the dream boyfriend, and dream husband soon enough :)

(look at the grin on my face here... he makes my heart flutter just at the thought of receiving one of those illustrious kisses)

Through this, I have changed. And change is an on-going process, it is constant, and a mediocre change shouldn't be accepted. This doesn't mean I am striving to be perfect, I am not striving for the unattainable, that is leading myself towards failure. I am changing to become the person who is in love, doesn't deny the greatest love that I have ever encountered, and is dependable, a source of security, and an example of love's strength to others around me.