A long time coming...

I don't know how I went so long without blogging, without writing, without being free and open. I have had so much to boast about, so much to show the world about what love and happiness looks like, and how selfish I was to keep that all in over time.

How wrong of me to not scream from the roof-tops about my wonderful home, my beautiful family, the love of my life, my engagement, my I-finally-know-what-life-is-about moments, my time spent enjoying the intricacies of life, my "filler-days" where I struggled. How so very wrong of me.

I refuse to be silent anymore. I refuse to keep inside what should be on display for the world to see. I refuse to not show the ones who love me, how much I love them, by being proud and amazed by the wonder of their love.

I love all that is Joel Timothy Sodeman, and my three beautiful one-day step-daughters, Savannah, Sydney, and Somer. They fill each and every one of my days with laughter, love, and hope. They are the reason I can wake up with a smile, a purpose, a drive to be the best version of myself I can be.

Without them, I would feel lost and empty inside. I am very thankful for what I have.

I guess ... getting back into this whole writing thing, I can't spend time trying to play catch up, I'd be playing forever. I can say there have been SO many times of happiness that I can't even describe how much and often I would try and soak it all in. Life is beautiful.

Yesterday, I took off work early, went home, and the girls and I went sledding. I haven't done that since I was a kid! Oh the beauty of having kids, to be a kid again :) The wind was so cold, we warmed up in the car two different times, and by the end, I had one begging to go, me trying to not show I was freezing, and two more that were still laughing at playing. Eventually, we finally retreated back home to a late afternoon lunch of hot coco and homemade Mexican beef soup (go Joel! Amazing!), and laundry to get all of that wet, pre-mucky smelling, sledding clothes clean and ready to go for the next day of cold weather.

I had a mom approach me, recognize me from soccer games, and the few "Hi, there"s we've exchanged over her daughter being friends with my step-daughter. I think it's hard for some parents, in other families, who knew the original family, when the parents were still together, to accept the "new addition" to the picture. I've accepted this, connected where I can, and just smile and cheer for their kids the same as I do my own. Eventually though, they come around. They realize I'm not a step-monster; I can feel them observe me from afar, hear the loving words and encouragement I give to my daughters, and realize, I'm a strong parent doing the best I absolutely can. That moment though, when they finally approach me, say that "Next time you and I should plan to take the kids sledding together" it makes me feel like I am on top of the mountain. Each step towards overcoming the label of being a step-parent is one that I rejoice and celebrate on the inside. It seems odd to reward myself with a glass of wine or new shirt for being a good parent, and someone recognizing it. It's just what parents do, we love.

I had a moment of grace last night too. I was sewing up Joel's pants, as the patch that was put to make them look destroyed from AE, keeps coming off. My man's legs are too hulk man strong to keep those weak bindings of a manufacturer together. I sat there and realized how much he has done for me, loved me, pursued me, shown me grace and forgiveness over the period of our relationship, through thick and thin, he has been my rock. I thought so much about where I have faltered, stumbled, and failed. I felt, without him even sitting next to me, rejuvenated with strength and determination to love him the way he's always deserved to be loved, but I have fallen short of. It was just a weight lifted off my shoulders, blinders removed from my eyes, and it felt good to know that I can see how to be selfless again. It feels good to dream up ways to show him how great he really is, how wonderful of a father he is, a fiancee, a best friend, a son, etc. I struggle to find the words, because actions are what counts. Lets just say, JTS is in for some serious amounts of loving from this point forward. Starting with tonight :)

The girls and I this morning had SUCH a great time getting ready for work/school! There have been so many times, more so recently than there should have been, where I have rushed, caused them to feel rushed, and then we all end up stressed and on edge. Put 4 females on edge in one home, then one car, and it's a potential explosion waiting to happen. I curled little Somer's hair, she felt gorgeous just the way little girls should. We dreamed about her upcoming birthday, a girl's night, Christmas time, and she told me all about school, webkins, staying the night at her friends last weekend, and regardless of some of the stories being repeated, I love being excited for her. It makes her smile that beautiful smile, and warms my heart beyond explanation. Savannah and Sydney both took turns coming in, cramming into the same bathroom to get ready together, when there are a total of 3 full bathrooms, but it's a good, beautiful thing to cram together and laugh, smile, talk, and tell each of them how gorgeous they look that day. We talk about school, boys, upcoming braces... and then one of them requests that they have their hair done special the next day. It's worth having 45 minutes less sleep in order to have these unstressed, special, can't-seem-to-soak-it-all-in, overflowing love cup moments.

I'm going to make a commitment to write more, to post more, to boast, brag, be open and raw, to see the good in each and every moment, for, it's there, we just have to take the time to see it and not fall into blindness.