New Year. New Me. New Us.

I have always written New Year's resolutions, but I really feel like not too many people hold true to them. We talk about eating healthier, exercising more, drinking less, finding ways to be less stressed, loving our kids more (even when they frustrate us), reaching out to those that we may have been holding grudges with, building stronger friendships, being kinder, softer, or a better spouse. Some of these things we will hold true to - some of them we won't. I've learned to make more realistic promises, and heard once to "Never promise more than you can deliver, but always over-achieve".

I feel that I've made changes within myself before the New Year arrived, which in turn, saved my future marriage, my family, and my friendships. I needed to change. Not only did everyone around me need it, I needed it. I didn't even like myself, how could I expect others to? I preach so much about others loving themselves, and doing what makes them happy, and yet, I wasn't practicing.

I'm promising, practicing, and never going to stop. People say that all the time too, and I have before.

It's hard to explain, and even harder to show, how deeply I feel changed and different, and how much I just want to pour love out onto those around me - because I've broken promises before. It brings tears to my eyes the struggle that's associated with this. I wish I could find a new word, but "promise" is the ultimate word.

I have this ... strong desire to be married. To finally seal all that I am and will be, and to be what I've always wished to be, and he's always asked me to be. Wishing doesn't achieve anything, changing does. Now I'm changed, and all can see, but, 'big picture' wise, we've had 3 really great weeks. Really changed, different, everything-we've-ever-wanted weeks.

Does 3 weeks justify marriage? Even if those 3 weeks are everything you've been waiting 16 months for ... is it a rash decision? Or does it become a "why wait" scenario? When does enough time go by that happiness is solidified and not rushed?

I just need patience, and contentment, rather than aching for more. I ache to finally be the wife he has always asked me to be. I ache for it. Now that I'm here, ready, and it's deep within, the ache is deep and constant.

I know the day will come, and it will come soon enough. I want him to feel the ache too - so we can both need and want to sign a paper that says forever. I think I'm rambling now...

I'm praying for patience... because I've never been a patient person. I've always been a "go-getter", "stake your claim" kinda-gal.

I'm praying to show contentment ... because I am content. I love my life - down to the two loads of laundry I folded this morning, and the kitchen I cleaned last night. I love every second that I spend in the presence of those that I love, and love me in return, and every moment I spend working hard for my family. I love my life... I just ache for that last step of contentment.

Titles are a funny thing .. and I never used to care about them. But I want to be a wife, and not just any wife, JTS' wife.

It's been a happy week. A really good, happy week. We get our girls tonight - and our house will be filled with noise, laughter, dentist appointments, theater nights, picture taking, sleeping in, making big meals, church nights, etc. It's the hustle and bustle of having a family that I miss the weeks they are with their mom.

Dear New Year - It's a new me, and a new us (for Joel and I, and our family) ... please don't let me ever forget the ache, the change, and the deepness of the love I feel and the desire to be soft and pour it out. For the rest of my life.

Change is good. Change is hard... but it's all worth it.