ever wonder what life would be like...

I know who I am. I am the girl that does everything for everyone else's happiness... and if I find happiness within that, well then that's great.

I know I shouldn't be that way, but I concern myself with what other's around me think. Their opinion, their happiness, their thoughts, feelings, approval, dissapointment; it all matters to me. Sometimes I wonder how I am viewed, by the world.

I'm so frequently told that I am a pretty face when all I long for is to be an intellectual.

...am I just a painting on the wall, for everyone to look at. to study. to see what parts of themselves they can see in it. where they look into my eyes and never see my soul, but only try to find a reflection of their own...

... or up on a billboard in the middle of a busy street. where everyone around me keeps walking quickly. and never stops to notice. not me. not the girl who is smiling to hide what is underneath. not the man out of work early too afraid to tell his wife. people have been there a million times. a couple million eyes. and never one true glance.

... am I as insignificant as a photograph. maybe one that is held. but more often dropped to the ground like a flyer. walked upon. the one who never has someone make them an equal. just a door mat for a another pretty pair of shoes to stand above. to temporarily own what I own. until the time has come to pick up the photograph again...

... or maybe the photograph is inspiring. it's the story of a life that is a catalyst for an impromptu drawing. it comes the canvas of the painter. the smoothness of the chalk creates a more beautiful depiction of the image than what existed prior. yet what happens when the rain comes? when the clouds let loose of all of the pain of the world. it is all washed away ...

... then again. who is to say that a story has reached it's end? what if the puzzle isn't finished yet. life still has room to change. we can still change. yet, if we change, does that make the rest of the pieces not fit right? or was the change meant to happen for the rest of the pieces to fall into place ...

... I want to exist as more than a reflection. more than a reminder of what once was. an apple of an eye. where no amount of tears could take it away. where I see a part of myself, not because I am searching, but because it is home.

Sometimes, I want to step back from being the one that always bends over backwards to be the one that stands strong.

For once, I won't be concerned if everyone around me is happy, if what I'm doing shows that I care.

I'll let my heart be warm because I am who I am. Because I know that I love, even if everyone around me doesn't notice.