"the pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body"

"waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. not knowing what to do is suffering."

i am suffering. (... first step is admitting ...) i am in pain. sometimes it is more momentary, maybe for five minutes i feel it. but when i feel it, it streams through every vain in my body. i can feel my skin tingle, my heart wrench, and my stomach flip over. i feel like i can't go on. like i don't have the strength to. i've never not had the strength to go on. and maybe this happens twice a day. lets say 10 minutes ... wait, maybe 15 to be safe, out of 24 hours in a day. the pain is so strong i get sick, probably because i can't seem to cry. and my body doesn't know what to do with itself. so i'm waiting, do i walk away to find a life where i don't have these five minutes of pure, unrelenting, agony? so i'm not knowing what to do. i'm suffering.

these are times in my life when I question why God gives me these types of struggles. why would he want to have me suffer, for even an approximate 15 minutes a day, in an agonizing way so strong i've thought about quitting something without a guarantee for a new opportunity for the first time in my life. i have no security without what i'm doing right now. i have no guarantees. I know why he sent me the person sitting next to me, supporting me through this entire struggle, although we have talked for a shorter period of time than I have ever spent learning to trust someone. Points out that we opened up to each other to have someone to share the pain with, someone who understands what it is like to experience pain. and suffering. and living in secret. and how good it'll feel to not be a secret anymore. even if not being a secret means not being anything.

i just question whether or not i'm prepared to let go of something, and just hope and pray that it comes back. i remember when my grammy told me that this is the key to love. real, undying, unconditional love. the key is to let go, and have it come back. that's how you know. letting go is scary. it's not knowing what to do. it's suffering.

"wisdom is nothing more than healed pain"

the next few weeks of my life will be stressful. i will be in pain. i know that laughter is a temporary medicine for this type of pain. so i will try to laugh. but i know, that after all of this that i am experiencing... that i will come out with wisdom. real, deep, wisdom. the kind that you have your grandchild on your knee and you say something like 'when i was a young girl i went through something just like this too...' but they doesn't believe you. because, i know that everyone has to eventually have this pain in order to have the wisdom. to never. put myself. through this. again.